Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll

 { all dressed up for [prague] }, Katie's Journal
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 02:51 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
SCHOOL DAZE
yes, it's that time...
SEPT 20
HOLY BALLS am I nervous. I mean, a new city was one thing, but a new school was even more difficult last year. I guess I'm just lucky that I've already made some friends since I came to Landsburg. Without Patrick, I'm pretty sure I'd lose my mind, even if he does drive me pretty crazy as it is.

Speaking of friends, I met this guy at the end of last school year (hence my absence to the world of status updates) and he's really cool. I had kind of been trying to spend as much time with him as possible before summer came and went, mostly because I heard he might be leaving for the summer. He'll probably get scooped up by some foreign chick who has a fetish for accents or something. Ugh. I'm really not looking forward to this, especially since he and I are kind of dating (even though I said I wanted a break if he's going out of state for the entire year. Shut up, don't judge me, I just don't think at my age I should be tied down to someone across the globe.)

The one thing I'm kind of looking forward to again is cheerleading, even if it means squeezing my lard back into a three-sizes-too-small leotard just so I can give that stupid brat Ariel Darling a run for her money. Seriously. I cannot stand that girl, and I can't believe she shares genetics with Erik. They're so different it's redonk.

Oh jesus christ I'm rambling. I can't believe I didn't sleep. It's like, 7AM and I have to leave for track practice. Urgh. Fuck my life.

posted SEPTEMBER 20th, 2011
listening to HIGH TIMES - LANDON PIGG and the TURBO FRUITS
tags I hate being jealous, it's le dumb.
5 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 02:52 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
PARK & RIDE
oh sweet christ on a cracker
SEPT 21
WHAT THE ACTUAL fuck. I seriously can't believe I did what I just did. So, all that drama that's been going around with Gaston and that shimbo Ariel is starting to get to me. ME! The most un-dramafied person in this city, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of it. So yeah, maybe I did it to myself by sleeping with Gaston. Or maybe it's me trying to hook Mike and Beth up. BUT REALLY. I shouldn't have anything to do with this. I should just get back together with my not!boyfriend who I'm not telling you who he is, even if he is an ocean away. Seriously. It would make sense. Stable relationship, no more drama.... but he's so fucking far away, and I'd miss out on some really fun stuff that I -know- Beth would have a heart attack over. Like me and Erik Darling. Or me and Gaston. Or the fact that my ex-boyfriend is four years older than me. ....whoops.
posted SEPTEMBER 21st, 2011
listening to SAIL - AWOL NATION
tags Unholy balls what have I done
0 COMMENTS | COMMENTS DISABLED | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:14 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
BEATING HEARTS BABY
what did I doooooo
SEPT 23
SO LAST NIGHT WAS A LITTLE crazy. And by a little crazy, I mean it was utter madness. We all went to Gaston's to play truth or dare last night, right? (By we, I mean me, Dorian, Erik, Mel, Kayla, the new girl Jo, Brandon) Well, things got pretty intense pretty quick, and I may have accidentally gotten a little jealous over Gaston being all over Jo. I don't get it. I really don't. I've got my sort of guy (when we're, you know, actually a functioning couple) and Gaston's an annoying little shit. He's more like a brother than anything else; so why did I get all bitch-tastic and have to ask him if he loved Ariel? His answer didn't even phase me, I knew it was "yes" of course. He's like a lovesick puppy. Anyway.

By the end of the night we were all a little tipsy and to lighten the mood caused by Mel pretty much calling Kayla a whore (serious, Melly, wtf.) I suggest skinny dipping. Brandon, Jo and Mel all took off and the rest of us stripped down and went for a swim. Well, now everyone knows me and G have a "thing" if you can even call it that, but I hope those who know will keep their mouth's shut. Dorian lost his v-card. I wound up in bed with Erik and Gaston, then me and Gaston sort of admitted we like each other once Erik left. Seriously, it's a mess. What the fudgepop have I done?!

posted SEPTEMBER 23rd, 2011
listening to PRAGUE - Damien Rice
tags I seriously need an emotion-ectomy.
2 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:20 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
GIVING UP
you did this to yourself
SEPT 24
SO OF FUCKING COURSE it happened again. I need to realize that I'm not the girl that people want to date. I'm the one they vent their anger and sexual frustration on, and then throw away when something better comes along. I'm the one who gets to collect everyone else's bullshit and dwell with it because they can't do it themselves. I'm the one that has to be strong for everyone else's sake. When I want to break down and mope, all people do is say "oh, it'll get better" or "oh, you shouldn't worry so much". No one gives a fuck enough to go out of their way to help me. I've spent the last couple days telling Gaston to do what's going to make him happy, and he makes it seem like it's going to be dating Jo, and I was fine with it. A little sad, but I was glad he was going to be happy. Then last night when he drove me home, and he ran up and kissed me... He made it seem like maybe I had a chance. Then he came and spent the night, and then cooked me breakfast.... only to tell me that he was still going to go out with her. He's a fucking asshole. If he would have just picked her instead of leading me on, I'd still be his friend. But right now? I hope he fucking chokes.
posted SEPTEMBER 24th, 2011
listening to Fuck the Pain away - Peaches
tags fucking male cheerleaders
2 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:23 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
FML
yup...
SEPT 26
YOU GUYS DON'T get it do you? Somehow me being in a bad mood is -your- problem, and not mine? Apparently I can't just deal with it in my own way and somehow it's become your issue to solve. Why can't I just get it out of my system in my own way? Why do you insist on hounding me in texts and showing up at my GODDAMN house at four in the morning? I'm pretty sure I just dumped Gaston, and I might feel bad about it in the morning, but right now, I'm sick of him. I'm sick of him, and Erik and Dorian and pretty much everyone. I honestly think Mel, Kit and Kayla are the only ones that I don't want to just die in a fire right now. So. Fucking. Sick. Of this bullshit. Forreal. I'm going into social hibernation, don't expect to see me for a couple days.
posted SEPTEMBER 25th, 2011
listening to HAPPY BIRTHDAY - THE BIRTHDAY MASSACRE
tags Balls. .__.
0 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:27 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
Holiday Doldrums
It's just that time of the year
OCT 16
WHILE GASTON AND I didn't break up, I just can't help but feel lately that things are different. I really love being with him, but with our plays and schedules, we just don't have a lot of time for each other, and I can't help but feel like there's something coming between us, and it breaks my heart.

Is this how Collin felt when I broke things off? Did he just feel like something was getting in the way before I cut him loose? If so, I can honestly never say I'm sorry enough.

I still care about him, you know. Collin, I mean. Despite everything and my actions, I'm still missing him so much. Not that I would ever cheat on Gaston, like, ever. Collin and I wouldn't work out anyway. He's so serious and I'm... anything but. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship with anyone.

posted October 16th, 2011
listening to SADNESS WALTZ - CHARLIE MOLE
tags None
0 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:34 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





this blog has been deleted and purged
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:39 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
A new dawn a new day
a new life for me, and I'm feeling good.
NOV 1
So I know that I sort of rage-quit the internet when Gaston dumped me. It was really hard to deal with and I just wanted to curl up and die. I was off my meds, and I was just all kinds of screwed up. Over the last couple months, I've done some things that I regret, like, a lot. Granted that if some of those things had never happened, I wouldn't be where I am right now and then I wouldn't actually be happy, but I hate how some people were treated.

Gaston -- Sometimes I wonder if taking him back was really the best idea. Yes, I love him, and I'm trying to trust him, but something tells me that it might not be enough in the long run. He doesn't think before he acts and now that I know about his condition, it makes a little more sense but that doesn't mean that his actions in the past hurt any less.

Sean -- I wish I knew how to vocally say this to him, but there's this ... look he get on his face and I feel like I'm drowning a sack of puppies and can never finish saying it. If I hadn't been a softie and ran back to Gaston like I did, I could have seen something serious between me and Sean. I had genuine feelings for him and I still do even if he hates me now. He deserves someone good, and that's obviously not me.

I should just start writing out confessions to other people on here when things go wrong, not that anyone ever reads this thing since it's been friends only for so many years. Oh, well. At least it's a good way to get it off my chest.

posted NOVEMBER 1st, 2011
listening to Atlantic - Keane
tags It feels good to be back.
5 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 03:43 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
i am afraid of the light
yeah you know what I mean
NOV 6
I saw Sean last night. It's not the best idea I ever had, but it started off well enough. We talked and I got some things off my chest, and for a little while, I felt like I had my best friend back again. I hate myself for making things complicated. Why couldn't I just let him think that I was some selfish monster and be done with it? Why do I feel the need to keep dragging him back to me? It's not even in an "omg I want him" sort of way either. I just... I crave his friendship and I need him around. It's as simple as that.

It's not as though I'm planning on getting back together with him, I don't think I could even be so cruel. He deserves so much better than me and much more than I could ever give, and I think that's a big part of why I chose Gaston. Sean deserves someone who's not going to break him apart, and, well... Gaston and I have already all but destroyed each other.

That isn't to say I don't love Gaston. I do, more than words can express, but I know I can never fully forgive him. And now that he's confided in me about his illness, it makes it practically impossible for me to leave him. I mean, what kind of girl would leave someone she loves when they're (possibly) terminally ill? An awful one, that's who, and I'm tired of being awful.

My birthday's in two months, and I can't say I'm excited. I don't even think I'm that excited for Germany anymore. Maybe it's my meds but I just can't seem to feel excited about much of anything anymore.

posted NOVEMBER 6th, 2011
listening to You know what I mean - Cults
tags Nothing ever stays calm for long
5 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK
PMEmail Poster
^
Katherine Annalise Buchanan
 Posted: Oct 8 2012, 04:13 AM
Quote Post


The Unstable Ingenue

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."





entries
profile
friends
the screams all sound the same
don't listen to a word I say...
OCT 1
It's been a while. Things have been way too... hectic for me for the last ten, eleven months to really write anything. I guess I should try to recount the last year the best I can.

Gaston was put in the hospital shortly after our trip to Germany, the cancer took a turn for the worst, and I was falling apart, physically ill from worry. We had a fight, and in all honesty, I can't even remember what it was over. I wound up walking out of the hospital, which was interpreted by him as me walking out on him, and our relationship was over. A few weeks later, when I was finally feeling a little better, Sean and I wound up getting together. I'm pretty sure I was just using him as a crutch to ward off loneliness, but it was good in the first few weeks. We were happy, or at least he was, I was only just... not sad.

Beth was pregnant this time last year, with a little girl. I can't say that I was excited, I was more horrified that there was going to be another her running around, though the disgust was short-lived - Beth passed away in March of last year in a car accident. Neither she, nor the baby survived, and that was just the beginning of the hell I've been going through.

Beth's death started a lot of turmoil with my parents. It finally came out that Beth wasn't my dad's daughter - Mom had cheated on him years ago, and Beth was the price of her infidelity. That broke my father down, almost completely, and that was the start of their separation. You would think that I would have learned something from that, about how badly cheating on someone will hurt them, not to mention the pain I felt when Gaston cheated on me with Owen, but still, I did it. I cheated on Sean with Gaston. It wasn't completely unwarranted, Sean had grown away from me and was tired of me, he'd said as much at the party we had gone to, but it still wasn't right of me to cheat. I should have manned up and ended the relationship first, but still I wound up doing it, and I hate myself for it. I loved Gaston, and at the time, it felt right, but it was building our rekindled relationship on shaky ground, and it was due to collapse at any moment. Which of course it did.

We were never right again. We tried so hard to get back what we had, but both of us were so dead inside that it just... It never felt as good as that first kiss after I broke up with Sean. It was decayed and dying and finally, after Josh's birthday party, we decided it was time to part ways, even if we did still love each other.

The next couple weeks were hard for me, my parents were verging on divorce and my life just felt hollow and empty. I slept around a little with a friend of mine, but in the end, it only made me feel worse. That stopped pretty quick after I moved in with Kayla and her family. I guess the distance from my family made me feel a little less vulnerable, though when my ex came back from London, things got shaky again.

Well, now my mom's gone back to Seattle, dad's all alone, Gaston won't even speak to me, and I feel this... wedge between me and the guy I'm currently seeing (the ex who went to London). Something just feels off, and I don't know if it's him or me, but something just doesn't seem to be fitting right. It could be my mental health, I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, on top of my existing anxiety disorder, so my brain's a big heaping mess right now. There's so much shit to deal with, and I'm not even sixteen yet. Part of me just wants to call it quits, but I couldn't do that to my dad. The cutting only really seems to alleviate a portion of the pain, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before I dissolve completely.

posted DECEMBER 6th, 2012
listening to Little Talks - Of Monsters And Men
tags Fading into the ether
5 COMMENTS | ADD A COMMENT | EDIT | TRACK

--------------------
{
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
-Marilyn Monroe
}
PMEmail Poster
^
0 User(s) are reading this topic (0 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Topic Options Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll


 


 

ic cbox on/off

TOGGLE SIDEBAR CREDITED TO SUBDEVO. TABBED SIDEBAR CREDITED TO KISMET OF RPG-D.